My actions damaged my most precious relationship

I've been dealing with a lot of abuse and neglect from my single mom who's always stressed out since I was born. I never met my dad, but we takl a lot. I seem to attract abusive or emotionally unavailable men and end up really attached to them.

A year ago, I found someone special who showed me the beauty in life and helped me see it within myself too. We werre healing each other just by being together. It was such a surprise when he broke up with me because he needed time for himself. He still loved me though-he told people how much he admired my skills and intelligence. I felt this spiritual connection with him that I don't think I'll ever experience again.

To help myself, I stopped drinking, got therapy, and started taking anti-depressants and Xanax which were helping a lot with anxiety and ADHD. But when we broke up, I lost it-yelling, crying, begging. It was all really out of control and drove him further away. Even though he still says he loves me, sometimes it feels like he's pushing me to move on.

After I moved away, I spent every day crying myself to sleep, woke up with panic attacks and went for long hikes to try and clear my mind. It felt like maybe things were starting to get better, but the depression just took over again.

Right now, I feel worse than any time I was abused or bullied before. Like there's nothing left inside me. It feels so unreal-the love we had seems like a dream and it's hard not to think that he was out of my league all along.I just want these suicidal thoughts to go away and stop trying to replace him with drinking and other guys. But I can't shake this feeling that maybe, just maybe, things will change and he'll come back even though he said it's over for good.