Wishing I was losing my mind instead

Hey everyone,

So here's the deal-I've been dealing with something that's been eating away at me for years now. It feels like there's no place on earth where it belongs, but I'm hoping someone out there can hear me before things get really bad.

I know this might sound crazy, and some folks will say it's all in my head. Believe me, if it were that simple, I'd take it in a heartbeat. But alas, this is the reality I wake up to every day. So here goes...

Whenever I'm out in public-whether at work, at home, or anywhere with people around-it feels like everyone sniffs and rubs their noses, but only when they're near me. It's weird because I've watched them interact with other folks, and there's no sniffing or nose-rubbing going on.

I've tried every trick in teh book: sitting far away from others, keeping myself squeaky clean, even checking if I smell bad multiple times a day, but nothing changes. This has been happening for seven long years now-no matter where I go, it follows me like a shadow. Even at the psych ward after I was admitted following a rough time-it's still there.

Working in hotels and gas stations is pure torture because I meet so many people every day. Everyone reacts to me with those sniffing noses. It feels like I have a big neon sign above my head that says, "Stay away." Each person's reaction tears at my heart and piles on more loneliness.

I used to love being around people; now, all I do is envy folks who can just be themselves without worrying about how others see them. It's impossible to enjoy life when this follows me everywhere, even in the privacy of my home.

Weed helps a little-I mean, it numbs things for a while-but honestly, that's not going to fix anything long-term. The pain always comes back full force.

The worst is when I'm on the bus or train and people near me start sniffing like crazy before moving away. It's so embarrassing-and I end up counting how may times it happens each day. Usually, it's around three people at most, but that's still too many.

I'll never forget my manager's face at a doggy daycare when he saw this happen with two sassy ladies who were nearby. They sniffed and rubbed their noses as soon as I got close, and I swear his expression said it all. It made me want to cry right there but I had to take care of the little dogs first.
I feel completely shattered and have lost hope that things can get btter. This is like living in a twilight zone where everything feels off and I just want out.

If you've ever gone through something similar or if anyone has any advice on how to cope, I'd really appreciate hearing from you. Maybe you could be the one to help me feel seen and understood. Your message might mean more than you know.

Thanks for reading-I'm not looking for judgment; just hope there are others out there who get it.