Maybe my ex never knew I almost died after we broke up

Five years ago, I went through the toughest period of my life after losing a relationship. It''s hard for me to fully understand it even now.

Around a year before we borke up, I had this strange feeling like Nostradamus,telling her se'd have to choose between her dad and me one day, and that she wouldn't pick me not because she didn't love me but because of her father.

Her dad always disliked me from the start-he refused even to talk or loook at me. Despite trying multiple times, he never wanted to discuss why he had a problem with me.

As things got worse between us, we ended up on this luxury vacation in the mountains with her billionaire dad. But it wasn't fun for me; he made sure I felt terrible throughout the stay. When leaving, he ordered her to work at his company full-time upon our return, knowing it would distance us.

Once back home, she stopped seeing me as he had instructed. A few days later, I messaged him, and all I got was a voice note where he insulted me for two minutes while she cried in the background. Shortly after that, we ended things, and I felt utterly defeated.

That's when my darkest times begna.A couple of nights after the breakup, I hit rock bottom and tried to end everything. It led to a serious medical crisis that nearly cost me my life, landing me in the hospital with severe injuries. The scars from that night are still visible today-they're 20 deep marks.

I survived, went through treatment, and got closer to my family who started understanding more about my mental health issues. They helped take care of me for a while after I came out of the hospital. For five years, I lived with this belief that she knew all along what was happening-I thought maybe she understood how close I came to ending it all but never reached out.

But recently, I asked my mom about it and found out she never actually knew about those scars or anything else from back then. She had no clue about the overdose or any of the pain I went through alone.

This realization fels really hard to process. For five years, I held this grudge against her for not showing up when I needed her most, but now I realize it wasn't because she didn't care-it's just that she never knew what was going on with me at all.

What's weird is that lately, she keeps appearing in my dreams. Pieces of her come back in random moments too. Recently had a vivid dream where we were together, talking, and then some friend takes her away before I could say anything important to her. Then everythign spirals down into darkness again.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now or if it even matters anymore since we broke up five years ago. But seeing her in my dreams maakes me wonder-do I still miss who she used to be? Smeone who might not have known how bad things got but could maybe understand if they knew?

Has anyone here ever felt something similar? Like when life seems unjust and there's no way to make sense of this pain anymore? Should I try talking to her again, even though it feels like an impossible thing to do after all these years?