Mental health stuff irl

i was with my ex for 13 yrs, married for 5. we had 3 bosy. everything seemed perfect till last 2 years when she cheated like, 3 times. i got super pranoid, anxious, depressed. couldn't stop thinking abt it. started drinking more and using coke.tried to take my own lfe a few times cuz i just wanted out of the pain. now shes with someone new, moved on but i cant even think about moving on. makes me wonder if our love was really that special. hardest thing is sleeipng cos i fera waking up and facing everything again. sometimes wish i never waek up if u can smile when u die id probs be smiling from ear to ear. every day feels like a struggle still loving her but she doesn't feel the same way