Abuse by myself?

I think counselling could really help, especially marriage counselling maybe. But I'm not sure if she'll change. You need to think about your safety and the kids too. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer or the police-see what they suggest as the best option. Have you tried talking to her mom? She might be able to reach out more effectively than you can. Tell him that threatening her could make things worse. But counslling lets both of you address issues together, I think.

I don't believe it's all on you either, but getting advice from a good lawyer and people who will listen is important. Be honest about what you can handle and what you can't. Also, look at whether you can take full responsibility for the kids and if getting custody of both would be safer for them. Check out how much influence her mom has-she could help in different ways. You might even consider living with her and her mom depending on their situation and who ends up having more control over things.

Thanks.

Her mom gets it but I don't. She treats her family same way - nice then mean when she's upset or doesn't get her way. Talked to her about hitting, she cried and said she feels bad for not raising herself right.Not true though; a 40-year-old is responsible for their own actions.

Wife's manipulative and lies. Accuses me of hitting while she hits me with baby in my arms - I have video. Called cps when she punched and scratched me, ran out barefoot carrying our two year old since she locked me out. Happened at mom's house, neighbors heard her for two hours yelling while I begged her to stop.

She gets worse when I call her names but not before that starts. Thinking about counseling or contacting her mom again despite her saying no. Afraid mom will know what she's doing to me if she talks to them.

I toatlly get where you're coming from-I've been there too. It's a real drag ending things with someone who's also your kids' mom. If your wife keeps going down this road, all you can do is try to make the least messy choice for everyone involved. Good luck with it.

I think you might want to get some professional help, because things could get worse if there's violence involved.Maybe you should check if she harms the children or the dog?

I've known someone with bipolar disorder and my brother has autism but isn't violent. I also worked with two patients who had mental health issues.

I will do that. Thank you.

good luck tho dont let ppl walk all over u tbh maybe talk to her doc and tell them ur really worried idk if they can help or not but if the kids r in danger they prolly will right?

I don't really have all the answers, but I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote about losing a parent. I understand how staying with someone who behaves badly might snd a message to your children that it's okay to act like tht. Having an aggressive parent can be really traumatic for kids and cause long-term issues. My dad was violent towards my mom, and even though she held my baby brother during those times, the trauma has stayed with me throughout my life. It's been hard dealing with it all.

Being on your own sounds like it might be the best option. I think I would move out and take the children with me if I were you. With the video evidence you have, maybe contacting the police and social services could help get you custody of the kids. A good lawyer would probably be a good idea too and might be something to look into first. It's important to get everything organized before you talk to her about it.

Thanks for that-honestly, it really hit the nail on the head for me.

I heard about this documentary series called "My Wife, My Abuser: Captured on Camera" on Netflix. It's really tough to watch, but maybe it could be useful for you. I'm not sure if you can access it where you are since I'm in the UK. Hopefully something similar is available to you. Good luck with everything.

I'll check it out. Thanks for your words and understanding.

np. thinking abt my mum today. when she left dad, she changed so much. always waiting for the next fight before, kept it from friends. but after, she became this amazing, fun, loving person. u only live once tho. hadr 2 see a future rn but keep hope.

it's rlly touugh brb but ur health gotta come 1st. if u r not well, how u gonna b strong? idk tbh but maybe talk to a lawyer or smthn to see ur options?

I have contacted them. Thank you for your advice.

Just remember, is in the States, so the rules and everything are way different from what we're used to in the UK-totally night and day, honestly

no way its not always better. kids suffer when parents are toxic. r u ready 4 ur kids 2 grow up hurt bc of this? & wbu if part of her marrying u was 4 a passport?
ur house might b stress filled but 1 good parent > 2 unhappy ones imho. think abt it, l8r move 4 everyone's sake. don't keep them in this mess.

Yeah, dealing with a parent who's got those narcissistic tendencies? Soul-crushing, let me tell you. And they're masters at manipulation-everything's always "all about them." If you haven't already, it might help to dive into some online resources and learn more about it. There's tons of good info out there.

Found out most people are a bit narcissistic. Saw her gaslighting, manipulating, taking stuff I like away

I think based on what you've mentioned, it sounds like she might be a full-on narcissist. She exhibits quite unusual behavior, such as violence and constant gaslighting. And then usually when you reach your limit, she suddenly becomes really nice. I guess she doesn't want to lose her supply of people who enable her.

Yeah, please talk to someone at a domestic abuse hotline and take the kids with you. You deserve to be safe.

I've been on the phone a couple times, you know, just needing someone to chat with because honestly, it's tough when everyone around you is like, "Just get divorced," and everything feels like it's pointing that way. But man, it's not as simple as that for me. I can't wrap my head around pulling my son away from his mom, even though she's got her issues. It wouldn't feel right to take his mother from him or make her lose her child because of our citizenship being tied up in all this legal stuff. So sometimes I wonder if enduring the pain is what's necessary here-I mean, putting aside my own desires for a better lie when I've already kind of started down that path, you know?

It wouldn't take their mom away from them completely-she could still keep in touch and visit whenever. Or maybe they could even go see her country when they're older?
Honestly, having one happy parent is way better than two parents who are at each other's throats all the time. Whatever she does to you, she'll do it to her kids too.
Adults can handle this stuff, but kids just can't deal with that level of stress-it'd mess them up for life more than not seeing their mom every day would.

Gotcha, I hear ya. It's tough though, even when we get the message loud and clear. I really hope everything turns out okay too

Yeah, I get where you're coming from and I feel for you. But I think maybe we need to acknowledge that narc types usually don't change their ways because they don't really see a problem wiht what they do. They tend to blame others instead.

Have you considereed family therapy? Or perhaps she could try it on her own? That might be the only way to see any sort of change, I think.

The harder you get worn down, the more your self-esteem will take a hit and you might start thinking that what's happening is okay. The less confident you become, the tougher it gets to see things clearly and do something about it.

Just my two cents.

Honestly, if you stay around her and bring your kids along, they might start thinking it's okay for people to act like that. But trust me, it definitely ain't cool at all. For me, protecting them from that kind of stuff is super important.

i really appreciate everyone's replies, thanks a lot i guess.

It's best to leave her now for your sake and your children's. Delaying will only make things worse.

Honestly, if you've got all this evidence-videos and everything-then why not talk to the poilce? Get them involved so they can make sure she's no longer around your home. Or do it yourself, plan it out carefully, maybe when she seems less threatening.

If you can swing a second place for her to live in, tell her to go there pronto. Pack up all her stuff and move it over, but don't let her have any alone time with you or the kids-none of that, honestly.

Also, reach out to social services. The social workers would do something about this; they wouldn't just leave someone like her around children who are in danger. If she's hitting you while holding a child? That's serious stuff, man.

Get yourself a lawyer right away and find out what your rights are. Demand that she leaves the house immediately. This isn't some small issue; it's been going on for months now, so it probably won't change until drastic action is taken. Don't wait around-do something about it straightaway.

And you mentioned her citizenship somehow ties into your marriage? What's up with that? If she has citizenship, why would she lose it in a divorce? Why should you care at all if she feels bad about everything you're doing when she's treating everyone so poorly?

Your kids need to come first here. You shouldn't put them or yourself in danger because of how this might affect her. So, if you really are the good dad you say you are, contact the police, a lawyer, and social services now. With proof, they can remove her. No more procrastination-take action before things get any worse.