Int'l men's day
triger warning: sa
i've always been scared of men like i was born with this fear. my grandpa says when i was a baby, i'd scream if he came near. i felt so uncomfortable around all my uncles except for one who treated me like his own kid.
my hoouse had just girls growing up - my dad, mom, sis and me until my uncle or half-brother moved in. my parents got divorced when i was 12 b/c my dad cheated for 5 years. at daycare and school, all the teachers were women. first male teahcer only in 5th grade.
in 5th grade, my sis's bf kissed me to make her jealous. felt frozen & helpless. 7th gradde, lost my virginity to a friend who said he'd give me alcohol but never did. in 8th grade, had sex blackout drunk while everyone watched - supposed to be safe with my sis's boyfriend. 11th grade, got groomed by my boss who was 10 years older. threw me away on my bday. then raped by his best friend senior year.
since then, my fear turned into a phobia. like if a man parks next to me or walks toward me, i think he's coming for me. hard to work with men now & trigegr in group therapy when they're around.
mostly, it's tough b/c mot men feel untrustworthy but there are good ones too. had some nie memories and lucky to have a partner who challenges this. living like this limits my life so much tho. tired of feeling scared all the time. gonna work on trusting ppl more over time though. slowly trying to desensitize myself & learn to trust those that deserve it
2 Replies
Hey there, beehappy! Yeah, I totally get what you're saying-men can definitely be jerks sometimes. But there are tons of good guys out there too, fingers crossed!
When I was younger, I never had the nerve to ask a girl out. In fact, girls would ask me for dates,which is pretty funny sice I wasn't exactly Brad Pitt back then. And I was always super nervous around women-I'd get all sweaty and awkward. Oh, and let's not forget my dumb mistakes-like having kids with different girls. Luckily, my mom and sister were there to help raise the little ones when their moms bailed.
Around 28, I met a lady who was way older than me! She was the first one I asked on an actual date, and we stayed together for over 25 years before splitting up as friends. That's more than three decades of friendship-pretty cool if you ask me!
She taught me how to be trustworthy and have a loving relationship. Before meeting her, I'd fight all the time or treat people like dirt. I'm not proud of that at all. It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but back tehn, I was both arrogant and clueless.
I used to be rough with guys but never woen-I know it's no excuse, but I was young and just didn't get it. That's the same way my guy friends acted too. But thanks to my ex-Mary, I grew up a lot and learned how to treat people better.
Here's hoping you don't meet jerks like the younger me and end up with good guys instead! Not all men are bad, promise!
Given your past experiences and how you've been treated by men, I understand why you feel that way. There are individuals like myself who have faced similar challenges and struggle with fear in unfamiliar situations. It's important to remember that not all men are the same. I hope you find someone who respects and values you as much as you deserve.