My Battle With Borderline Personality Disorder
Oh man, I'm feeling super drained right now. I mean, I don't even know how to start this post, honestly. So I noticed there isn't really a specific community out there for people with BPD-that's like the last thing you'd think about finding, right? So here I am.
Let me share my story. You see, I've been through a rough time with mental, physical, and emotional abuse throughout my lief. It was only this year tat I got diagnosed-can you believe it took until my late twenties for someone to figure out what was going on with me?
I had to check into the hospital after a really tough moment where everything just felt like too much. That's when they finally did some tests and gave me a proper diagnosis of BPD, along with C-PTSD and other stuff like svere depression and anxiety. My dad has been the biggest part of this story-he was always around when I needed help but never actually helped.
My father would constantly dismiss my mental health issues. Whenever I tried to explain how I felt or ask for a doctor's appointment, he'd just brush me off or outright call me a "paranoid schizophrenic." It made it so hard to reach out and get the support I really needed because every time I did, he'd blow me off.
Eventually,things got to the point where I couldn't handle them anymore. So I left this note saying all of my feelings and then called for help instead of following through with anything drastic. It was surreal how supportive people were that day-it's crazy how one little call ended up saving me.
After getting admitted and meeting wtih a psychiatrist, they finally understood what I was going through and prescribed medication and a proper diagnosis. When I showed the paper to my dad aftre all this happened, he basically ignored it or made fun of me moe. It feels like no matter what I do or how many times I try to explain things, he always finds ways to make me feel worse.
My brain does this thing where it tries to block out some memories as a way to protect itself-especially when dealing with C-PTSD and trauma. But honestly, my dad was relentless in his control over me, using all kinds of manipulative tactics just to keep me down.
Wehn I stood up for myself even a little bit, he would find ways to undermine it. Like when I talked about how I felt with my school counselor and followed her advice-my dad got so upset that he called the school and compalined, which caused the counselor to backpedal on what she said. So now they're telling me that my father "knows me better than myself"-that's just not true at all.
Without any real support from family because of our divorce when I was a baby, it was easy for my dad to dominate everything about my life without anyone stepping in or stopping him. And yeah, he even sexually abused me and threatened me with no place to go if I ever told anyone. It got so bad that eventually someoone came to check on me and took me away from all of it.
Growing up with so much trauma has been a nightmare, and finding community for people dealing with BPD feels impossible sometimes. But maybe by sharing my story here, someone else might find some comfort or hope.
8 Replies
Thank you for sharing your thoughts above.
Everything you wrote feels very honest and real. I understand it's not easy, especially given the misunderstanding surrounding BPD. My daughter, who is 26, was diagnosed with BPD after a similar inpatient treatment experience as yours. Her aunt unfortunately contributed to her PTSD and BPD development.
It's a long, sad story that I don't feel comfortable sharing publicly right now. However, I've witnessed the challenges my daughter has faced in various relationships-romantic, friendships, and family-and have seen her struggle with accessing therapy while dealing with misconceptions about what BPD entails.
I am sorry to hear about your father. The people who are meant to protect and love us sometimes fail to do so.
You demonstrate a great deal of strength and insight throuh the words you shared, which is why I wanted to reach out. I don't know how you feel about the holidays-whether you celebrate them or not-but this can be a challenging time for many. I just wanted to offer my support and see how you are doing now.
Thanks a lot for your reply-it's honestly so true. The trauma BPD folks like us went through in the past really does mess up a bunch of stuff for our future, and not many people get that. They're just ignorant about how hard it is for us to control things when we've been through severe abuse, whether it's from a partner or family. Seriously, tohse people are delusional.
When you're a kid and go through such crappy situations, it totally screws with your brain development. For instance, the part of our brain that's supposed to regulate emotions is super tiny and underdeveloped-it's like, "What were they thinking?" Honestly, no one expects us to just flip off the trauma switch even when we're in therapy. Our symptoms are still going to pop up every now and then. It's a triggered disorder for real, so people really need to educate themselves on this stuff more.
Oh yeah, and I totally spaced out on mentioning that I still go all festive during the holidays. But this year, it's feeling extra bleak 'cause I'm by myself for Christmas. No one to share eggnog with or exchange presents-definitely not ideal, but whatever you do when life hands you lemons, right?
hi i read ur story ngl kinad relatable af idk u but rly proud of u for leaving and fighting with the counselor and cop stuff is rough when u have bpd cptsd etc ur progress is amazing tho take care of urself i m so pissed u had 2 deal with all that abuse from ur own fam sometimes friends r family anyway just need a few good ones wish u well x
Thanks so much! You really have such a warm heart. And yeh, your words mean the world to me-I know it's tough out there sometimes, but having someone who gets it makes things way easier. (I've been feeling pretty grateful lately for all these supportive folks around.)
ran away fom dad, moved around, never gave him my address. felt safe when he died. rareyl think abt him. i got 3 sons tho, they r amazing. my hubby is so kind, adores me. not all men r like ur or my dad. things can get better imho. hope u can leave ur dad behind and make ur own happy mems. had lotsa therapy which helped a lot. got bipolar and ptsd but meds + support from hubby has been gerat. no episodes in years bc i stay away from ppl who are aggressive or violent. life improved after i left him. some days r hard tho, wanna stay in bed cos of self forgiveness stuff. getting thru the day is sometimes an achievement irl. luck to u too
Thanks for sharing your story-it really helps me feel lesss alone too. It's amazing how you found peace after escaping abuse and started living a fulfilling life. I think it gives me hope that maybe I can do the same thing.
When I realized how bad my situation was and saw that no one, not even a doctor teling them it wasn't helping, would change their ways, it felt like there was nothing left to do but leave. They knew about my struggles and didn't do anything to help. That's when I decided enough was enough and moved away.
Now I'm mostly alone, which is tough, but being around people who don't care about your well-being isn't worth it either. It's better to be lonely than surrounded by folks who make you feel even more alone. Your words mean a lot to me-I really appreciate them!
u did the hardest thing by levaing ur toxic place bruh. i got this friend who had zero friends until she joined a book club & now she has 8 bffs lol they make meals 4 each other & go on trips all the time. it's honestly crazy how much her life changed. being alone sometimes is better than living in fear & always lookin over ur shoulder fr. hope u can enjoy xmas some irl. trust tkaes time after going thru sh*t like that. my hubby's napping next to me rn. he's so chill & perfect when i'm anxious & paranoid. fond him after a long time tho lol