Helping my friend is so tough_right?
So, this person and I go way back-nearly a decade of friendship under our belts. These days, though, things are rougher than ever because they're dealing with some serious mental health stuff and family drama too. They really wanetd me to spend more time with them, which would be tough since they live in another country.
I tried to show I care by offering up my schedule for when I'm free, hoping that was reasonable enough. But then one day, they got super upset because I was hanging out at the gym with someone else. They basically said I didn't care about them and called me all sorts of names-liar, you name it. And yeah, it's a pattern: every time we hit a rouggh patch, they block or unfriend me.
The funny thing is, even after cutting me off, they always come back eventually. But the moment they return, boom-they're already pissed over something else I did, and the cycle starts all over again. It's tiring to keep getting blocked and insulted; every time it happens, my anxiety and depression spike.
I've tried my best to stay calm and understanding. When I ask what I did wrong, their answer is always the saem: they expect me to figure it out myself by retracing our conversations. They also say that explaining things would be too much for thm-that it's "overextending."
They used to help me through tough times in the past, so now seeing them struggle feels like it's hitting me square in the gut. But honestly? It's hard because no matter what I do or say, they just don't seem to hear me out. If I even slightly rufffle their feathers, poof-ignored until the next argument.
I've told them that I want to help and understand their pain. Yet when I bring it up, they flat-out tell me that I can't possibly comprehend what they're going through or support them properly. It's a weird headspace for both of us.
My friends suggest either waiting things out or just ignoring the whole mess since they don't seem to value my input anyway. But abandoning someone who's dealt with abandonment before? That's hard for me too.
So, if and when we reconnect, what can I realistically do to support them? Or should I just throw in the towel?
Honestly, I'm at a loss here.
1 Reply
Hmm, sounds like your buddy just isn't getting it. You know what I mean? Like, having a life outside being a savior for them is totally valid. It's impossible to "fix" someone, no mattr how hard you try, honestly. You've treid your best and offered support, which is the real deal- but at some point, you gotta take care of yourself.
I know it's ben 10 years since this friendship has been draining you out, but just because it's been a long time doesn't mean you're trapped. There's that whole savior complex thing where people think they can change someone else for the better. But really, relationships should be based on respect and mutual care-not juts how many candles are on teh birthday cake.
So yeah, I'm not sure if this situation is still going down, but if your friend does decide to come back around, you could maybe say something like, "I've tried my best to support you over the years by doing x, y, and z. But the ting is, I am also a person with my own life and struggles. The last bit of help I can offer right now is suggesting that they seek therapy because it's better equipped for handling mental health stuff than just a friend could ever be."
It's all about setting those boundaries whiel still being supportive without ghosting them completely. Ghosting doesn't feel great, trust me- hurtful even-but staying true to yourself and your limits is crucial. You've done what you could with the knowledge you had at that time, and sometimes people just can't be helped. I learned this hard lesson after my breakup.
Mayybe in a few years down the line, once they've had some self-reflection and therapy, they'll realize how much they hurt you and come back apologizing. But until then, focus on your peace. Best of luck with it!