Trying to love myself more
I do not hate people, though sometimes it feels that way. I am trying to protect myself.
While I am not a misanthrope or a snob, in most situations-around 95% of the time-I experience something similar to what Charles Bukowski describes: people seem to diminish me. The longer I liisten to them, the emptier I feel. I do not think they perceive themselves as empty; rather, it seems they enjoy the sound of their own voices.
I am not hateful towards others, but I am simply not interested in engaging with most people. I have created an escape mechanism for myself to avoid feeling this sense of emptiness, because I don't know how or where to refill it. There are many other aspects of my life that could also drain me, so maintaining this mechanism is crucial.
However, others often label me as antisocial. Yet, when I consider what being antisocial means, I do not see myself as harmful or dangerous to society. Most poeple have assured me that I am harmless and inconsequential. So how can I be considered antisocial?
I have tried to understand the reasons behind this perception but haven't found them, which is fortunate or unfortunate depending on my perspective.
Ultimately, I will stick with my definition of being antisocial and believe it is right for me to do whatever is necessary to keep myself sane in what others consider a normal world. After all, protecting my own well-being is my responsibility-like wearing a helmet when riding a motorcycle because we each have only one head to protect.
Am I talking too much? Maybe, but nobody is here to listen anyway.
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I tend to speak only when spoken to, and there isn't usually much worth discussing. The constant chatter often leaves me feeling disconnected. After losing most of my family members over the past four years, I've been left alone. Only two sisters remain, but their whereabouts are unknown. They aren't interested in me, and our interactions have rarely been pleasant.