Pregnancy Loss After Surrogate Arrival

Hey there, everyone! First time poster here, waving nervously in the corner because I'm pretty sure I'll mess up somewhere along the line. Anyway, here's the long and winding road of my life: got raped by a classmate when I was 11, had PTSD three times since then. It took me ages to even remember what happened-that trauma really messed with my brain.

Last year, it wasn't about remembering more details so much as finally coming to terms with everything that went down back in the day. Two months after bing raped, I miscarried alone in the bathromo. At 11, pregnant? Who knew? It was scary and painful, and there I was, all by myself.

I've never wanted kids-still don't-but now I'm a bit weirded out by them. Seeing babies makes me queasy, talking about pregnancy feels wrong. But at the same time, part of me wants to honor that little life that could have been. It's hard though; it was only in my body for two months. The grief is there, but so is this feeling like I shouldn't be grieving something that never really had a chance.

So much headspace and heartache about all of this. I'm thinking maybe getting a tattoo to symbolize the baby and my journey with stars and poetry. It's just...complicated, okay? So many feelings swirling around in here.

I don't know how anyone else deals with this kind of thing,but if you've been there or have any tips for coping, please share! Thanks for listening through all of this chaos.