Issues of trust in friendships

I want to share some history from past friendships. The longest friendship I had lasted for 15 years with another girl. We were both 27 when I decided to end our relationship because I was always the one reaching out and making plans to mete up. When I moved an hour away, I would contact her to see if she was free to have a meal together, splitting the distance between us. Over those 15 years, there were many instances where she canceled at the last minute-sometimes even after I had arrived at our meeting place and received texts saying something came up.

When we discussed these issues one day, and I expressed my frustration about her cancelling plans often, she responded by stating that I knew this behavior from the start. She didn't seem interested in changing or making an effort to improve things for us.

During those 15 years, there were other brief friendships as well. One was with a male classmate at university whom I thought we could be good friends with. Once I started sharing personal information about my depression, he began avoiding me. At the University, when we passed each other in the hallways, he would look away to avoid eye contact.

Another short friendship was with a coworker who could see through me. After working together for a few years, his parents sent him back home to get married and I lost touch with him.

Recently, I taught a group of six students in my current career role. One student is now nine years younger than me but we seemed to have a unique connection. She passed her course and was hired into the same department as me. As our relationship changed from instructor-student to coworkers, I felt there could be potential for friendship. We understand each other well, but I find myself initiating most of the conversations again.

Why is it so challenging to develop a balanced friendship? Often, in friendships, I tend to share personal details about my past right away. This approach sometimes scares people off when they learn about my history with depression. Even now, at 39 and mostly past that stage of my life, I know there will always be triggers that can bring back those feelings.

Am I revealing too much, too son, which pushes others away? Or is it just hard to find someone who wants a deep, emotionally connected friendship like the one I desire? There have been times when showing my true self has led people to distance themselves. So, will there ever be someone willing to stay by my side despite knowing about my past struggles? Does such a person exist?

I need at least one meaningful connection-a friend or life partner who truly understands me.